Archive for February, 2007
February 28th, 2007
Dear Straight Talk: I just read that 42 percent of teenagers have seen online pornography in the last year. Two-thirds of the viewings were reported as accidental. I’m 47 and I remember vividly the first pornographic image I saw of two people having sex. I was 18 and it was accidental also, (magazine pages lying on a trail). Prior to that, I had seen things like Playboy, but hard-corn porn was simply not accessible. Now it is the largest industry on the internet. I can’t help but wonder how this affects our young people. Could you and your teen panel respond to this? I feel it is a subject of concern to many. Thank you in advance.—H.K.
Dear H.K.: Anybody reading this who is over 30 probably didn’t find XXX in their alphabet soup. Until ten years ago, seeing porn took effort. Not only were you carded for age, but there was a stigma in emerging from an adult theater, store, or the curtained-off section of the video mart. Clearly, it wasn’t for children.
The information highway has changed all that. Sex has always been what sells, but with the internet as a low-cost marketing and distribution tool, sex is being aggressively and repeatedly splashed onto our computer screens—especially at sites frequented by teens—using the sleaziest of tactics. Under the protection of the fourth amendment, sex is being trafficked to any body at any age for the simple reason that accidental viewings translate into intentional viewings which translate into a multi-billion dollar industry that has doubled in size in the last five years. Needless to say, our ride on the internet has been pimped.
Are children harmed by watching hard-core porn? Frankly, I find it disturbing that society is asking this question. Of course XXX-rated material is unhealthy for children. Why else do adults painstakingly keep their sex lives discreet around their children? We don’t need to wait for 30-year studies to tell us this.
The research you cite, published in February’s Pediatrics, is based on phone interviews with 1500 internet users ages 10 through 17. Regarding the effect porn is having on young people, I passed your question on to the teen panel and was taken aback by their responses. Maybe the age of innocence has already been killed off. (Death by desensitization?) Or maybe today’s youth are simply resilient. What I really think is going on is that youth will take what is given and make the most of it. And they have been given porn.
Regardless of the casual, even upbeat attitude many teens have toward porn, if we can inspect every shoe from every airline passenger, we can certainly inspect and rate internet content at the source. Our children deserve a healthier soup than what is being dished up.
I only have space today to print one teen response. This teen is as taken aback as I am about how commonplace porn is to her peers. I will print more responses next week.
From Taylor, 17: I saw my first pornographic image when I was 15 in a computer class at a public high school. Some boys found the image—intentionally—and I turned around and saw it. It was so shocking it remains etched in my memory. I’m now at a private high school (not for that reason—I’ve never discussed the topic of porn with my parents) and unlike most of my friends, I don’t use computers much so I don’t see much porn. However, my peers do. It’s everywhere. I can’t imagine a 17-year-old who hasn’t seen it.
To give you an idea of things, I was at a party recently for someone turning 18 and there were about 15 kids there from my school. Toward the end of the party somebody put hard-core porn on the TV. Everyone was totally casual about it, like it was absolutely no big deal. It was just part of the scenery, nobody was riveted to it, but nobody was repelled either. I seemed to be the only person bothered by it and I left the party.
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February 21st, 2007
Dear Straight Talk: I think this is the most wonderful column! I learn to appreciate the thoughts of both parents and kids. I’m writing regarding the letter from “Fat in Folsom,” the mother who was overweight and whose daughter had a fat tummy. I need to lose a few pounds, too, but when my nine-year-old daughter started skipping meals because she was “too fat”—when she had only a little tummy bulge—that did it! I bought the family an exercise ball. Besides having fun, we are all working on that tummy. We also started family walks with the dog and this, too, as been fun.—Battling the bulge
Dear Battling the bulge: I’m glad you took action rather than contradicting her concern by telling her how perfectly fine she looks. Kids really do hate being fat and really do want help with it. What is essential is exercise, which is one of the hardest things to self-start. Skipping meals (or, down the road, drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes) is a much easier approach. I want to share the mental and physical steps Farren is taking in her quest for fitness. I would also like to recall Peter’s experience (see “Walking it off, all 50 pounds” 5-11-2005 on the website). Peter began walking two miles a day to school and back. Parts of the walk were uphill and he often had to hustle. He went from 230 pounds at 5-foot 4 as a seventh grader, to 170 pounds at 6-feet as a senior. He did not do sports, just walked.
From Farren, 19: I can absolutely relate to having a fat tummy. I wouldn’t call myself fat, but when I look in the mirror my stomach isn’t where I’d like it to be. Since I was a young girl I have been embarrassed to wear bikinis or tops that cling to my form. As I got older and cared more about my image, the embarrassment became worse.
Recently I decided to boost my self-image by getting rid of the tummy. The first thing that helped was shopping for clothes that naturally hid my tummy and were pleasing and well-tailored for my body type. It takes time and practice to figure out what looks good on you and what doesn’t. Secondly, I realized that no matter how many magazines say you can have a flat stomach in six weeks doing crunches, it is completely ridiculous. Yes, maybe if you have no fat there to begin with, but for those of us with a flabby stomach the only way to a flat stomach is to do cardio and burn the fat that is already there.
I decided to start running a mile a day. I hate running, so getting on the treadmill was seriously huge for me. After a couple of weeks, I decided to run two miles a day (this is 30 minutes on the treadmill going about four miles an hour—not quite running, not quite walking). Within two weeks I saw an amazing change in my body. Not only did I lose three pounds, but my butt was firmer and my midsection was shrinking.
With this new boost, I quit drinking soda and exchanged my potato chips for whole-wheat crackers and fruits. While I still have a soda occasionally—once or twice a week—I have replaced most of them with water. I’m not going to lie: At first I wanted to go buy a box of donuts from Winchell’s! But I kept at it, and after five weeks I had lost six pounds. It doesn’t sound like much, but you can definitely tell when you look in the mirror.
Sometimes I take a day off the treadmill and sometimes I cheat at In N Out, but I no longer crave the sweets or starchy foods I once loved. When I’m running, I see myself in a bikini and say to myself, “Geeze I’m sexy!”
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February 14th, 2007
Dear Straight Talk: After reading your column on MySpace, I wanted to say that I use MySpace to track my 16-year-old son and his friends. A lot of parents do this now. I feel a little bad about it, but how else do I find out if he’s staying out of trouble? Am I doing something terribly wrong?— MySpace Mom
Dear MySpace Mom: You find out if your teenager is in trouble by observing him, talking to him, getting to know his friends, being part of his life. If trouble is brewing and you’re paying attention, you will almost always see signs.
From what you’ve described, you are snooping for no reason. I have trouble with this because teens need varying amounts of independence in order to become adults. Snooping takes their independence away.
I know what you’re thinking: If a cocaine dealer in Las Vegas can see my son’s MySpace page, why not me? How is that snooping? I can’t really argue with that, it is a public forum, but I’m letting you know: going on his MySpace page with a false identity for the purpose of spying can be disastrous to your relationship. A breech of trust such as this can take years to heal.
However, if your son is showing signs of drug or alcohol abuse, flunking classes, acting depressed, violent, or engaging in risky behavior, by all means, start lifting some floorboards. But just as it is illegal to be pulled over for no reason, prying without cause, as promoted by websites such as MySpaceForParents.com, is an example of parenting gone awry.
Here is how the teen panel sees it:
From Jarrad, 18: Yes, you are doing something wrong. You are spying on him for no reason. If you had a reason to track him, a real reason, like you suspect he is using meth or he’s in trouble with the law, then do what you need to do, but just to check up on him? That’s ridiculous! If I found out it would ruin my relationship with you. In high school, your kid is not going to share everything with you. There will be experiences that your kid is not going to tell you about. That’s the way it is. But unless you have cause, spying on your son is wrong.
From Laura, 20: It is never alright for parents to use a MySpace account to monitor their kids’ activities. It is absolutely an invasion of privacy. The only thing snooping will do is foster distrust of the parent. If you have a concern, handle it by sitting down and talking to your child.
From Shelby, 14: Spying on MySpace is a really weird invasion of privacy. But I also think parents have the right to see your page on the spot. They shouldn’t be able to read every message but they should be able to see who you are talking to.
From Lennon, 21: I think parental supervision is good up to a certain age. But after 16, looking over our shoulder at everything we do is an invasion of privacy.
From Geoff, 21: Parents have always wanted to know what is going on in their kids’ lives, cleaning their rooms, peeking at notes on their desk, etc. Looking at MySpace pages is the form it takes in our transparent, digital society. Unless you have a private account, MySpace is public! This is the kids’ problem, not the parents’.
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