When it comes to holiday shopping, stepkids count
Dec 13Dear Straight Talk: My husband and I have two children, ages 7 and 9, and we struggle financially. My husband also has a daughter from his first marriage that lives here part-time. “Sarah” is 16 and she has never liked me. Her mother is well-off and Sarah has everything she could ever want. She comes and goes like the Queen of Sheba. We used to spend equally on the children at the holidays, but is it okay to spend less on her knowing she gets plenty at her mom’s?—Feeling the pinch
Dear Feeling: You’ll be feeling more than the pinch. At gift-giving time you’ll feel like the wicked stepmother. For a child, receiving gifts is about feeling loved. Giving her less will only make her feel less loved. As long as you’re married to Sarah’s dad, you will have a relationship with Sarah your whole life. You may never bond with her, but where your emotions are lacking, make your actions count. In this case, the appropriate action is to spend equal amounts on all the children and equal time contemplating the right gifts. Life is long. If you start treating her like you love her, one day you just may. That would be the finest gift of all.
Here’s more from the teen staff—and keep reading for a letter from another stepparent.
From Marie, 16: This is so familiar. My step-dad thinks I get everything I want from my real dad. I feel so left out sometimes when it comes to opening presents. Last year I only got three things from him. I know I’m not his kid, but I wish he would treat me equally.
Dear Straight Talk: I am shopping this year for my new stepson, “Kyle”. You did not make it easy on me with all the electronics on the teen Christmas list that ran last week. Kyle plays video games obsessively and all he wants is a new gaming system and more games—which, to me, is a waste. He’ll be watching closely what I give my kids and what I give him. I think I’ll get him a skateboard, some clothes, a desk for his room and maybe a bean-bag chair. It’s important to give each kid about the same number of gifts. At age 12, Kyle seems to count the number of gifts more than their value.—Kids count
Dear Kids count: Kids do count, in more ways than one. And you’re making sure Kyle counts where it matters most: as a valued family member.
I wish more parents had your imagination and strength to avoid the gaming industry. For those parents who are buying games, the games to avoid are: “Scarface: The World is Yours,” “Dead Rising,” “Saints Row,” “Gangs of London,” “The Sopranos,” “Grand Theft Auto: Vice City Stories,” “Reservoir Dogs,” “Mortal Kombat: Unchained,” “The Godfather: Mob Wars,” and “Just Cause.” This list is from The National Institute on Media and the Family’s 11th annual video game report card. All are rated M (age 17 and up), and all excessively glamorize sex and violence.
Dear Straight Talk: I want to share a holiday tradition that started unexpectedly in my family when my children were young. My church had a “gift tree” and I chose a card for a needy family with two kids about the same ages as my youngest. As we headed for the store with the card I was worried they would want to shop for themselves. But it never happened. They searched the toy aisle for almost an hour shopping for the kids in this family and never once asked for anything for themselves. It was a wonderful experience. My kids are teens now and we have done it every year since.—Lincoln Mom
Dear Mom: What a beautiful story. These “Giving Trees” are cropping up everywhere. You can find them in churches, banks, and other businesses. What a blessing to give your children the gift of bringing pleasure to those in need. I hope your letter plants many seeds today.
