The power of “NO”
Sep 20Dear Straight Talk: I’m grateful for your teen panel’s response to “Anyone’s Mom” who wondered if girls are expected to give sexual pleasure in order to get a date or have a boyfriend. Both males and females on your panel claimed that ‘saying no’ was the most powerful approach.
I graduated in 1967 and I cannot believe the lack of morality in today’s youth. I recently found this Ann Landers column—clipped from forty years ago. It was so similar to the advice of your teen staff that I’m sending it along.
Please girls, just say ‘NO’.—Deborah L., Auburn
Dear Deborah: Thank you for the time capsule. The power of “NO” remains king, but there are many new pressures. I’m sharing the column you sent with my readers comparing it to today’s dating scene from the perspective of two high school males.
Here’s the scene from forty years ago:
“DEAR ANN LANDERS: …Bill and I started going steady on my 16th birthday… His theory was, “If a girl loves a guy she proves it by holding nothing back.” My theory was, “This is the way to make him mine.” …After six months Bill began to act as if I was a burden to him…that I was trying to own him. So we broke up. Then I learned he had been seeing another girl behind my back… and had told a few of his ‘good friends’ about some of our private moments.
If any of you girls are wondering what it is like to give in to your boyfriend, I can tell you: The pleasure is soon replaced by feelings of guilt. You walk around scared you might be pregnant. You wish you could stop but you’re afraid your boyfriend will leave you, and you couldn’t stand that because by now he is your whole life. Then one day he gets tired of you and you lose him anyway. And who do you lose him to? A girl who knows how to say “NO.”—TOO LATE FOR ME”
And here it is today:
From Ken, 18: Cocky guys like the one from forty years ago don’t think twice about kicking a girl to the curb. But most guys aren’t looking for the quick and easy. They really want a genuine relationship. Guys get accused of being ruthless because these few cocky guys get all the attention and the rest of us get put in the same box.
What is different today—and for this I blame the media—is that a lot of girls are just looking for sex. If I’m out with a girl who wants it right away, I back off because I figure she’s like that with other guys, too. And it’s not just the STDs—it’s just a turn-off all around. When I date, I’m looking for personality, looks, whether her family likes me, and mostly whether she has the wit and confidence to stand up to me. When a girl stands up for herself, when she has that ability to say ‘no’, it’s a real turn-on.
From Jarrad, 17: What has changed is that the porn industry has exploded—even since I was young—and the societal pressure to be sexual is worse every year and affects younger and younger kids. Guys as young as fifth grade have porn in their backpacks. And look how many girls dress with a thong sticking out the top of their shorts and their (bleep) falling out the bottom! Dressing like a walking STD is not a turn-on. Most girls are disgusted with porn but I think girls feel especially pressured to meet the new “standard”. It affects guys, too. If a girl wants sex right off (which plenty do—and they’re not always looking for love), and the guy doesn’t perform, he gets labeled a pansy. There’s huge pressure on guys this way.
What hasn’t changed is that the chase is still crucial for a guy. He wants to feel like he’s won something valuable. If the girl doesn’t say ‘no’, where’s the chase? And if a girl dresses or acts like I described, she doesn’t come across as valuable. I can guarantee the guys she’ll attract will hurt her.
