November 22nd, 2006
Dear Straight Talk: Why are people always getting into fights?—A teenager
Dear Teenager: In the world of primates, the great apes fight for food, territory, mates, dominance, and protection. They will also fight when they are afraid, surprised, or confused. For humans, the list expands. Humans also fight over money, possessions, principles, pride, out of boredom, need for physical contact, and because drugs, alcohol, poor diet, inadequate sleep, emotional pain, and violent conditioning, bring out a tendency to solve problems through destruction. At the core is lack of imagination.
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November 15th, 2006
Dear Straight Talk: Your response to “Wants love not sex” was insulting. The writer, 16, is pregnant by her 18-year-old boyfriend. He is whining because her desire for sex has decreased, and she wanted help explaining to him that she loves him but does not want to be as sexual. You responded that her hormones must be going crazy—followed by a canned lecture about responsible pregnancy. (Apparently the stereotype that all women’s complaints are hormonal is alive and well.)
This young woman asked for help in curtailing a destructive sexual relationship. She wants love not sex. Her boyfriend didn’t care enough about her to bother with birth control and now, even with her pregnant, his biggest concern is not getting enough sex with a minor girl. Perhaps her diminishing physical desire has less to do with hormones than with his irresponsible, immature and sexually selfish behavior. Perhaps her gut instinct is that he’s interested in sex, not love.
The straight answer is that she already has explained her feelings to him, but that he is more interested in sex than her well-being—and if she curtails that aspect of their relationship she shouldn’t expect his support.—Disappointed in your answer
Dear Disappointed: Hormonal shifts do affect a woman’s mood, outlook, and tolerance level. It’s not a stereotype. It’s a fact. It’s possible that there is a non-hormonal reason for her diminishing physical desire, however, “Wants love not sex” said she didn’t know why she felt less sexual and that she is more deeply in love than ever. Accusing her boyfriend of caring only about sex and not bothering with birth control when it is unknown how she became pregnant makes me think you have a personal axe to grind.
For an 18-year-old man in a relationship of 14 months duration, very likely sex is love—so when his girlfriend doesn’t want sex as much, it’s natural for him to feel hurt, thinking she loves him less. He probably knows next to nothing about a woman’s biology, and she probably doesn’t either. Which is why I want them both to get educated as to the hormonal changes that occur with pregnancy. A child is involved here and for this couple to stay together they need all the help they can get.
From Farren, 19: I stick by my answer—and I’m definitely not going to give somebody a lecture about their boyfriend only caring about sex. If she wanted that lecture she would have asked a different question. Instead, she asked how to explain to her boyfriend that she feels less sexual. The fact is, a woman’s hormones are completely different than a man’s—and guys will never understand that. Pregnancy, birth control, depression medications, acne medications, all can make you less sexually active.
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November 15th, 2006
Dear Straight Talk: You must help me. I am newly married to a wonderful man who has two daughters in college who are coming here for Thanksgiving. They are both a bit cool to me and I’m feeling overwhelmed as they are vegetarians. I would like to have them warm to me, but this holiday stacks the odds against me. What should I serve? There are other people attending who aren’t vegetarian.—Nervous omnivore
Dear Nervous: This holiday always gets the intestinal juices flowing doesn’t it? The savvy omnivore warms a vegetarian by serving organic food. Spend the extra money and buy organic potatoes, vegetables, salad dressing, cranberries, etc.—and an organic turkey. Any of the better supermarkets carries all these things. I think you’ll find your step-daughters will eat heartily of the whole meal (minus the turkey). Pray that they eat milk, butter and eggs—but if they don’t, keep smiling and spare some potatoes from the whip. For dessert, make at least one that fits their diet. A special entrée is not necessary, but since it’s Thanksgiving, I suggest gourmet ravioli that you can boil at the last minute and drizzle with olive oil. Relax and enjoy!
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