Straight Talk For Teens By Teens

Freak dancing “freaks out” parents and teens alike

Dear Straight Talk: Our daughter went to private schools through eighth grade and she is now a freshman in a large public high school. A few weeks ago she went to her first dance and came home in tears saying she never wanted to go to another. She attended with two girls from her church group and their friendship has chilled. At first she refused to tell me what happened, but now she is saying that in the middle of the gymnasium where her friends wanted to dance, the kids were dancing so dirty that they might as well have been having sex. Is her imagination running wild or is there something I don’t know about?—Disturbed Mom

Dear Disturbed: We’ve covered this topic before and your daughter’s imagination is not running wild. The dance style she is referring to is called freak dancing—also known as grinding, booty dancing, or simply, freaking. (For a frank description, look up any of those words in www.urbandictionary.com.)

Freak dancing has its defenders but your daughter is not the only teen who finds it objectionable. Though common in public high schools—where chaperones look the other way—freak dancing is hardly an issue in private high schools where parents are more involved and rules are enforced. We all pay for the public schools and I hope this column stimulates increased involvement and higher expectations for what takes place.

From Johannes, 19: I think it’s lame, but freak dancing is the new way to dance. At any club playing hip hop or the latest music, that’s the dancing you find. It’s basically sex with your clothes on while standing up. I wish people danced like they did in the 20s, throwing their arms and legs around like in the Charleston. That looks like fun.

From Farren, 19: I think some parents are unaware of the dancing that goes on in high school, but most teens are fine with freak dancing because it has stemmed from their generation. It basically simulates sex as a dance form. Teachers and chaperones stand off to the sides of the dance floor; they don’t go in the middle where the heavy freaking is. But even if they did, what are they going to do? Use rulers? It’s sad, but if you don’t like this style of dancing, you have to dance off to the sides, or not attend.

I’m not saying I agree with freak dancing, but it’s completely acceptable and many teenagers say it’s a fun way to express their freedom and sexuality. I have many friends who enjoy dancing with guys like that. It’s a thrill for them—and it doesn’t mean they’re promiscuous.

From Dana, 17: It’s definitely sex with your clothes on. I like normal dancing, not holding my ankles while a guy rubs himself on me. Dirty dancing is supposedly restricted at my school but the adults do nothing about it.

From Lennon, 20: I like to dance 70s-style and I studied the tango, which is a very sexual dance, yet I am appalled and disgusted by freak dancing.

From Ken, 18: Freak dancing is just how our generation dances. It started in 1995 when hip hop songs made it popular. It involves a guy pressed up behind a girl who is bending over and he is holding her hip bones with his palms. If it’s done face-to-face, there is a meshing action on the guy’s thigh. Yes, the motion is the same as for sex, but parents take it too seriously because there is no intent to actually have sex. It’s just dancing!

Sometimes a guy’s hormones go out of control and he’ll feel a girl up. Some girls don’t mind, but it happened to a girl I know and it made her cry.

My mom knows I freak dance and as long as I’m appropriate she thinks it’s okay. She understands the generational thing because she grew up in the 60s and “freaked” her parents out, too.

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Sometimes going to parents is the only choice

Dear Straight Talk: After reading the letter from “No name please” whose “perfect” brother was using cocaine and paying him to lie about it, I was reminded of when I was 16 and my sisters, “Lisa” and “Pam”, were 20 and 21, respectively. Pam was perfect, too. She was in Los Angeles taking university honors classes and working part-time for a movie producer. She confided in Lisa about the high-end parties, how first she did cocaine to fit in, and how it became an addiction. Lisa didn’t know what to do, so she told me. I didn’t know what to do either. All we knew was that we couldn’t tell our parents. 

When we confronted Pam, first she was furious with Lisa for telling me, then she was furious with both of us because she thought we were going to tell our parents. We told her we weren’t, but that we also weren’t going to stand by and watch her life go down the toilet. It was us or the drug. We talked for over two hours and she hardly spoke until blowing us off with, “Thanks, guys.” After that, we informed some of her friends and they talked to her, too. It was like a month-long intervention.

The next thing we knew, she had gone to counseling and was off the drug. She said she still hung with the same crowd but had stopped using—and that nobody seemed to mind. The peer pressure, apparently, was self-imposed.

She told us later, “You guys were awesome; this is what family is all about.” Eventually, she even told our mom because she felt guilty keeping this part of her life hidden.—Ken, 18

Dear Ken: Thank you for sharing how a functional family works. People are never perfect, and we need each other to stay on track. It’s all about being loving and communicative, while at the same time expecting the best from each other. Your sister is very lucky to have you in her life.

While I appreciate your not wanting to go to your parents, sometimes there is no other choice. In the case of “No name please”, the writer had no sibling to rally with and his “perfect” brother was not only using cocaine, but selling it, too. In a case like that, the brakes need to go on fast before somebody ends up hurt or in jail. 

I was touched that your sister ended up confiding in your mom. And that she discovered the big secret: What we call “peer” pressure comes mainly from within.

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Daughter shaving legs the least of this mom’s worry

Dear Straight Talk: I felt badly for the 7^th grade girl whose mom didn’t want her to shave until 8^th grade. My daughters started shaving in 6th grade and though I didn’t want them to, it was important for them to feel comfortable around their peers. When I think about what some mothers let their young daughters do, shaving is the least of my worries. –Auburn Mom

Dear Auburn Mom: Since most middle schools start in 6^th grade, the social pressure to begin shaving in 6^th grade can be enormous. I think it’s too young for most girls, many of whom have barely started puberty, and I wish that pressure wasn’t there. However, a child who is happy socially is more successful at facing the peer pressures that matter.

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