October 11th, 2006
Dear Straight Talk: I am only 16 and am in a pretty serious relationship with my boyfriend of 18. We have been dating for 14 months now and sometimes it’s hard to talk to him about deep feelings I have. For instance, we recently found out that I am pregnant and much of the time I don’t want to have sex. When I express that I don’t want to do it, he immediately assumes he did something wrong. I don’t know the reason why I don’t want to have sex but no matter how I try to explain it, my words go nowhere. He says we had more sex in the beginning of the relationship, which is true, but I try to tell him that it was something new and now I’m afraid of sex hurting us in some way. It already has. How do I explain that I still have the same love for him, even deeper now, but I don’t want to be as sexual?—Wants love not sex
Dear Wants love: Make a confidential appointment at a family planning or Planned Parenthood clinic for you and your boyfriend. If he won’t go, go alone or with a friend. There you will learn how pregnancy causes hormonal changes that can lower a woman’s sex drive. This is normal and healthy, just as it is normal and healthy for sex drive to return following the pregnancy. Most importantly you will get information about what it’s going to take to bring a child into the world. Unless you feel endangered, talk to your parents and your boyfriend’s parents right away. Parents are usually a pregnant teen’s biggest source of support. In addition, their involvement will help your boyfriend remain accountable to you and the child.
From Brittney, 18: Tell your boyfriend that pregnancy has made your hormones incredibly crazy. You might also be experiencing morning sickness, mood swings, and difficulty concentrating. Tell him to look on the internet or take a class on being pregnant and it will help him understand why you are not feeling as sexual as before.
From Farren, 19: Thank God somebody else feels the same way. It’s natural for long-term relationships to evolve—even if you aren’t pregnant. In the beginning, sex is something new that you want to experience, yet it doesn’t mean you continue having sex all the time. I’ve been with my boyfriend about two years now and our sexual relationship has changed, too. It’s definitely hard to discuss changes like this with a significant other unless you are trusting and open and patient with each other. You are pregnant now with great changes ahead and it’s good that you keep telling him how you feel and what your thoughts are for the future.
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October 11th, 2006
Dear Straight Talk: I’m a freshman in high school and I hate school. The classes and homework are stupid, useless, and boring. My parents are freaked out because I’m getting D’s and F’s but it’s just because I hate it so much.—Just want to be free
Dear Want to be free: About a third of the teens I work with at Teens-Matter are kids like you who hate school. There’s nothing wrong with them—or with you. Most simply have a personality type that is adventurous and hands-on. They crave freedom and clash with the rigid structure of the classroom. Trouble is, the more they fight against the system, the more society takes their freedom away.
The easiest, quickest way to get the freedom you crave is to jump through the hoops. You don’t need to buy into the system, just play along. Listen in class, do enough homework, be polite. When you pull your grades up, parents will stop hassling you, teachers will be friendlier, jobs will open up. Freedom is never given, always earned.
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October 4th, 2006
Dear Straight Talk: You recently ran a column where you quoted David Strayer, of the University of Utah, saying that cell phones make teens drive like the elderly. You went on to advocate hands-free cell phones for driving. However, in Strayer’s study the drivers were using hands-free phones! Strayer’s conclusion was that it was the phone conversation itself that made drivers “instantly age” and that being “actively part of a conversation” is what impairs driving.
So, how can you advocate hands-free use when it is just as dangerous as hand-held use? I would think you would be supporting an all-out ban.
Personally, I’d like to see insurance companies offer discounts to drivers who do not use cell phones (except in emergencies), and charge a higher premium to drivers who do—or deny their claim if a cell phone contributed to the accident.—Mark W.
Dear Mark: Thank you for clarifying Strayer’s research. I missed the boat on that one. According to his study, yakking on the phone, regardless of whether that phone is hands-free or hand-held, is what gives young adults the reaction time of septuagenarians.
Nevertheless, I maintain my support for hands-free use in the car. I don’t know Strayer’s methodology, but to convince me that driving with one hand clamped to my ear is as safe as driving with two hands on the wheel, I would need further persuasion.
In addition, I’m a realist. Cell phones are here to stay and it’s tricky to ban some distractions and not others. Accidents involving distracted drivers make up just one percent of all accidents. Driving under the influence and excessive speed still do the heavy lifting it that department. Of those distracted-driver accidents, eleven percent are linked to cell phones, 9 percent to music, 11 percent to reading, primping, eating, smoking, or tending children and pets, but the majority—67 percent—are caused by daydreaming, reading street signs, and general inattention.
Cell phone use is definitely a new distraction, one that needs to be addressed and I think getting both hands back on the wheel is the best direction to take. I recommend my readers purchase a headset or a wireless over-the-ear attachment for their phone. And, of course, never text and drive.
From Farren, 19: Blaming cell phones is completely ridiculous. If insurance companies were to charge a higher rate or deny a claim for cell phone use, they would have to do the same thing for anyone who uses an iPod, a radio, or a CD player—not to mention anyone who eats while driving or is caught conversing with passengers.
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