Archive for September, 2006
September 20th, 2006
Dear Straight Talk: I’m grateful for your teen panel’s response to “Anyone’s Mom” who wondered if girls are expected to give sexual pleasure in order to get a date or have a boyfriend. Both males and females on your panel claimed that ‘saying no’ was the most powerful approach.
I graduated in 1967 and I cannot believe the lack of morality in today’s youth. I recently found this Ann Landers column—clipped from forty years ago. It was so similar to the advice of your teen staff that I’m sending it along.
Please girls, just say ‘NO’.—Deborah L., Auburn
Dear Deborah: Thank you for the time capsule. The power of “NO” remains king, but there are many new pressures. I’m sharing the column you sent with my readers comparing it to today’s dating scene from the perspective of two high school males.
Here’s the scene from forty years ago:
“DEAR ANN LANDERS: …Bill and I started going steady on my 16th birthday… His theory was, “If a girl loves a guy she proves it by holding nothing back.” My theory was, “This is the way to make him mine.” …After six months Bill began to act as if I was a burden to him…that I was trying to own him. So we broke up. Then I learned he had been seeing another girl behind my back… and had told a few of his ‘good friends’ about some of our private moments.
If any of you girls are wondering what it is like to give in to your boyfriend, I can tell you: The pleasure is soon replaced by feelings of guilt. You walk around scared you might be pregnant. You wish you could stop but you’re afraid your boyfriend will leave you, and you couldn’t stand that because by now he is your whole life. Then one day he gets tired of you and you lose him anyway. And who do you lose him to? A girl who knows how to say “NO.”—TOO LATE FOR ME”
And here it is today:
From Ken, 18: Cocky guys like the one from forty years ago don’t think twice about kicking a girl to the curb. But most guys aren’t looking for the quick and easy. They really want a genuine relationship. Guys get accused of being ruthless because these few cocky guys get all the attention and the rest of us get put in the same box.
What is different today—and for this I blame the media—is that a lot of girls are just looking for sex. If I’m out with a girl who wants it right away, I back off because I figure she’s like that with other guys, too. And it’s not just the STDs—it’s just a turn-off all around. When I date, I’m looking for personality, looks, whether her family likes me, and mostly whether she has the wit and confidence to stand up to me. When a girl stands up for herself, when she has that ability to say ‘no’, it’s a real turn-on.
From Jarrad, 17: What has changed is that the porn industry has exploded—even since I was young—and the societal pressure to be sexual is worse every year and affects younger and younger kids. Guys as young as fifth grade have porn in their backpacks. And look how many girls dress with a thong sticking out the top of their shorts and their (bleep) falling out the bottom! Dressing like a walking STD is not a turn-on. Most girls are disgusted with porn but I think girls feel especially pressured to meet the new “standard”. It affects guys, too. If a girl wants sex right off (which plenty do—and they’re not always looking for love), and the guy doesn’t perform, he gets labeled a pansy. There’s huge pressure on guys this way.
What hasn’t changed is that the chase is still crucial for a guy. He wants to feel like he’s won something valuable. If the girl doesn’t say ‘no’, where’s the chase? And if a girl dresses or acts like I described, she doesn’t come across as valuable. I can guarantee the guys she’ll attract will hurt her.
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September 13th, 2006
Dear Straight Talk: I’m 12 and I just started seventh grade. I’m having a disagreement with my mom over the right age to begin shaving. I want to shave now and my mom wants me to wait until eighth grade. It’s been so bad between us we agreed to write you and will do whatever you say.—Julie, Auburn
Dear Julie: My first impulse was to say that if you are in full-blown puberty or simply have a lot of leg hair, by all means start shaving, but if you are the typical 12-year-old with fine, blonde hair on your legs, compromise by shaving your underarms but wait until eighth grade to shave your legs. That was until I heard from the teen staff. They’ve won me over. You get the green light.
Here are their letters:
From Laura, 20: I don’t see what the big deal is. Twelve isn’t all that young to begin shaving—in fact, most girls I know were about that age when they started. While I think it would be a little ridiculous for someone younger than that to shave, it’s still just shaving. It’s not like she wants to dye her hair blue or get her belly button pierced. What will she be hurting by shaving a year earlier than her mom wants her to.
From Farren, 18: My mom and I had this same discussion. In sixth grade I went over to a friend’s house and she told me she shaved and that I should, too. So I did. I told my mom and she said I should wait.
Honestly, I had to start shaving because I had a lot more hair than most girls. And yes, it does affect your popularity at school. Sometimes I wish I had started shaving later because they say the longer you wait the finer your hair is when you get older, but I’m pretty sure that’s a myth.
Looking back, I think the whole thing is ridiculous. Shaving is not that big of a deal. I think any girl in seventh grade who wants to shave should be able to. It’s not like she’s asking to smoke or have sex.
From Brittney, 18: My sister and I both started shaving at the beginning of sixth grade. I was 11 and I’m happy my mom let me because having a dark head of hair, I had dark leg hair as well. Her compromise was that I couldn’t shave above the knees.
I had a good friend whose dad wouldn’t let her shave her legs or armpits until she was in eighth grade. She was made fun of throughout middle school. It wasn’t anything horrible, but I know she felt self-conscious about it, especially since all her friends were shaving. From that point on, she had a seriously strained relationship with her father.
Your daughter is almost a teenager and shaving can be a great rite of passage for a young girl—which you can teach her as her mother. It’s not like she is asking to put highlights in her hair or wear makeup. You can still set all the same boundaries but help her feel more feminine at the same time.
Whether or not you let her shave her legs, please let her shave her armpits simply for good hygiene.
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September 13th, 2006
Dear Straight Talk: I was traveling through Redding, California and spotted your column about what makes for a functional family. My two kids are now in college but during their teenage years my wife and I were often asked how we had produced such open, communicative, happy teenagers. Since their birth, this was our basic formula: 1) support their interests; 2) talk to them/listen to them; 3) love them unconditionally; 4) don’t lay any trips on them.—M.Gannett, Portland, OR
Dear Mr. Gannett: It’s great advice. I especially like number four: “don’t lay any trips on them”. You’ve identified a hard-to-spot nail and hit it on the head. Thank you for writing.
Parents: I can’t stress enough that childhood is a child’s time to receive living examples of love, uprightness, and stability from parents. Save the “trips” from your own childhood for your friends or a counselor. We all have broken parts, but if we can model wholeness for our children and spare them the bulk of our broken edges, it will be easier for everyone involved to build a solid life.
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