Archive for August, 2006
August 16th, 2006
Dear Straight Talk: Regarding your column on oral sex, I think teens today define oral sex differently than “sex” due to the media coverage of a president who had trouble with the word “is”.
That aside, as the mother of a teen girl, I’d like to ask your teen panel exactly who is doing what to whom? In other words, is it usually the girl who performs oral sex? I realize that males tend to be more demanding about their sexual needs, but if girls are allowing themselves to be used, without reciprocation, they need a wake-up call. Sex (by any definition) is supposed to be a loving and gratifying act between two people, not something that only satisfies the urges of one partner.
Safe sex is important, but girls shouldn’t degrade themselves for someone else’s pleasure. If this is what is expected in order to get a date or have a boyfriend, then no wonder low self-esteem among girls is widespread.—Anyone’s Mom
Dear Anyone’s Mom: The teen staff answers your letter better than I could, complete with statistics, analysis, and solid advice. Pass the word to your daughter: saying no is the hot thing to do.
From Jarrad, 17: Relationships are more complex than this description, but, yes, girls are giving it a lot more than guys. I’d estimate that 65% of girls do it for guys, while 35% of guys do it for girls. Basically, the guys ask and the girls do it. In 98% of the cases, the guy doesn’t demand or use pressure, he just asks. If a guy uses pressure, he’s toast. Pressure is simply not tolerated anymore.
Of course, the social pressure is huge. Girls mainly put out for popularity—there’s really no other explanation. If a girl doesn’t put out, she gets labeled a prude, and then, unless she’s really good looking, guys won’t go for her. Guys aren’t that caring. If they can’t get it, they’re gone. If the girl gives it, they stay, maybe, but often she’s just on “booty call”. Love sometimes happens (like I said, it’s complex), but not usually.
I wish girls would realize they can say no just as easily as yes. If they say no, and the guy leaves, good! He didn’t really care about you. Personally, easy girls turn me off. I’m turned on by girls who say no.
From Farren, 18: Many young women don’t have the education or support to say no. For them, an act such as oral sex is a ticket to receiving love and security, and if they aren’t receiving this from family and friends, they turn to guys hoping that by giving pleasure they will be loved in return. The mindset of guys is beyond me. I think they just really enjoy getting oral sex, regardless of the girl’s feelings.
From Geoff, 21: A college friend who is in love with her boyfriend recently abandoned her vow to abstain from sex before marriage. She asked me, “Is it bad if I do it just to please him?” My response: “If the loving is not physically and mentally mutual, it’s bad sex.”
From Brittney, 18: Things have changed since I started high school in that sexual activity, especially oral sex, starts younger and younger. Girls definitely perform it more than guys. It’s not that they have to, it’s that they think they have to. It’s a desperate grab to feel liked. For girls, popularity is the most important thing, and girls are brutal in doing whatever it takes.
Guys really do want the chase and the challenge. Giving sexual favors too soon can actually derail a relationship. Before engaging in sexual activity, make sure you have something real to start with and that there is mutual respect. Never perform sexually to get someone to love you. It just doesn’t work.
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August 9th, 2006
Dear Straight Talk: My son, “Jon”, is 17 and will be a senior. His dad and I divorced ten years ago and our relationship is still strained. We broke up over alcohol. I went into sobriety and his dad didn’t—in fact his dad’s drinking and temper tantrums have gotten worse. A year ago Jon chose to live with his dad and since his dad travels frequently, he is often there alone.
Last spring, Jon got in trouble for swearing at a teacher. Since he was flunking classes and having anger issues, the administrator suggested I have him drug tested. I agreed and it came up positive for pot. I knew he was using pot because his sister confided to me that he’s really into it, plus he’s come over for dinner totally wasted. I’ve used pot in my past, but the drug is so much stronger now that it worries me.
My son hates me for drug testing him. Whether I email or phone, he calls me names and says he hates me. Was I wrong to have him drug tested? What can I do to influence him when he doesn’t live with me? I feel I have no control over his life and it kills me to see him going downhill.—Help me
Dear Help: First of all, I can’t tell you how many teenagers I’ve seen who have turned around because someone cared about them. Drug testing your son showed him you care. It took a lot of guts and he knows it. Bravo to you.
Secondly, you’re right about marijuana. It is so strong compared to 25 years ago that it’s hardly the same substance.
Thirdly, many teens go through an “I hate you” phase with their parents. At a psychological level, they’ve generally abandoned some truth within themselves and they’re testing you to see if you’ll abandon them, too. When you don’t abandon them, they have to face themselves. So put up the chicken wire and duck the rotten tomatoes as best you can.
While ducking, hold a vision of your son filled with hope and light. This will help you believe in him and expect the best from him. If prayer is part of your life, this is a good time to use it. Steer clear of retaliating. Ultimatums and doom-and-gloom scenarios will only push him away.
There’s more and the teens say it best:
From Farren, 18: You did the right thing in a tough spot, so don’t get yourself down. It’s natural that your son is upset with you because you invaded his privacy and his personal space. Not that, under the circumstances, that was a bad thing, but to him it’s probably a little frightening.
Talk to him. Let him know you’re worried and that you want to understand what is going on in his life. Since you used pot in the past, this is a good way to open up to him and let him know you’ve been through tough times, too.
I don’t believe punishment or hard love will help your son, but I do believe communication can turn things around.
From Lennon, 19: You did the right thing to drug test him. He hates you for it right now, but it’s one of those things he’ll appreciate eventually. Regarding how to communicate with him, sometimes guys just need to stew things over. If you’re always nit-picking him—or even if you’re always saying you love him—it will remind him that he’s screwing up and he’ll just get madder and will keep pitting himself against you. I’m not saying don’t try to talk with him, I’m just saying guys need the space to sit with things. Don’t force it.
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August 2nd, 2006
Dear Straight Talk: I’m wondering how teens today define sex. I don’t have children of my own and I ask this because my niece, who is 17, confided in me that she and her boyfriend are madly in love. As we have a close relationship, I asked her if they were having sex. She said they weren’t, but further discussion revealed they have oral sex but don’t consider this “actual sex”. Needless to say, I was taken aback. What do teens consider “actual sex” to be?—Out of touch at 47
From Ashley, 16: I would definitely say that most teens (outside the religious community) consider oral sex differently than “sex”. It’s kind of like pseudo-sex.
From Brittney, 17: I personally don’t know any teen who considers oral sex to be “sex”. “Sex” is when the penis enters the vagina.
I’m not sure how oral sex and “sex” came to be two different things, but it probably has to do with the media. If you look at TV and movies, you never see them calling oral sex “sex”—they call it oral sex. We grew up on that.
Oral sex is not considered as big a deal as “sex,” and in general, most teens practice oral sex earlier than “sex”. Regarding protection, the older generation would be shocked at how lax most teens are with oral sex. I don’t know whether this stems from ignorance, embarrassment to wear a condom during oral sex, or if teens are simply not as worried because pregnancy is ruled out.
From Frankie, 18: I think many parents and older adults feel that “sex” includes oral sex, but for most of my generation “sex” means intercourse. I’m not sure why this is, maybe because oral sex is a little less intimate.
It’s been drilled into us to use protection during intercourse, but most teens believe oral sex to be safer than intercourse and thus entirely forgo protection. I think this is because education around oral sex is lacking, and abstinence-only education is making things worse. Teens need the whole picture—and we aren’t getting it.
Dear Out of touch: There’s your answer in plain language. Your question has highlighted what appears to be ignorance around oral sex. What our teens don’t know can hurt them—which is why I don’t support abstinence-only education.
Many sexually transmitted diseases are extremely dangerous. They can last a lifetime. They can cause sterility and birth defects. They can lead to major illness and death. And they are highly contagious.
Abstinence is the low-risk leader, yet saving oneself for a partner is only risk-free when that partner has also saved, and continues to save him or herself in return. Ignorance of safe sex methods is not only socially irresponsible, it can be personally devastating.
Anytime genital fluids go from one body into another body there is risk. Vaginal and anal intercourse without a male or female condom carries the highest risk for the most dangerous STDs. Oral sex without a condom and/or dental dam is low risk for AIDS, but high risk for herpes, hepatitis B, gonorrhea and syphilis. Even mutual masturbation carries risk for herpes and genital warts if care isn’t taken.
Can your niece walk into a store and buy condoms—or is she too embarrassed? Does she know what a dental dam is? Can she say ‘no’ to sex if she doesn’t want it? Does she have regular gynecological exams? Can she talk openly with her doctor about her sex life? Can she enjoy sex without first using drugs or alcohol? Does her mother or father know she is sexually active?
Forget semantics. Whether your niece is having “actual sex”, “oral sex”, or “pseudo sex”, the important thing is whether she is mature enough to answer ‘yes’ to those questions. Since you’ve opened the subject with her, find out where she stands and help her accordingly.
For more information, visit www.plannedparenthood.org.
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