August 30th, 2006
Dear Straight Talk: I am the new step-mother of “Greg”, a 12-year-old boy whose biological mother is in the state penitentiary finishing the last months of her ten-year sentence for vehicular homicide. She killed someone while driving drunk. My question is this: How do I parent this child? He’s angry that his dad married me and not his mom. His dad claims Greg is woman-starved, yet Greg doesn’t seem to want to be close to me. He says mean things to push me away, telling me stuff like I laugh too much, or I nodded my head 25 times in the last 45 minutes. I am unsure how to proceed. Any advice?—Tiptoeing Step-mom
Dear Step-mom: The worst fear for children with a “missing parent” (prison time qualifies), is that the remaining parent will abandon them, too. From this boy’s earliest memories, his dad has been his entire planet—and now you’ve landed on his world like an alien (nod, nod), who has enchanted his father and theoretically could destroy everything. With his mom soon released, Greg may further imagine that it’s all planned: you’re taking over Dad, and he’ll be sent to Mom—whom he doesn’t really know and whom he can’t, and may never, really trust. His feelings for her are a deep well of love, hate, shame, fear, anger, resentment, mistrust, and bewilderment. You’re getting the overflow from that, plus your very presence zaps him with that ‘worst fear’ of losing his father. The key here will be convincing him that Dad’s not trading him off for you. If you and your husband build in plenty of one-on-one “Dad-Greg” time, he may believe it. But he’ll need lots of proof, so be patient.
Should joint custody begin once his mother is released from prison, make sure Greg knows that wherever Dad is, that’s home—and if Dad has moved into your home, it must be emphasized that this is now Dad’s home.
Here’s another key from Brittney. (P.S. If you need to vent—and you will—do it with a friend or counselor.)
From Brittney, 17: Be as caring and kind as possible. The mean things Greg says are his way of trying to get you to crack, so keep a level head no matter what.
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August 30th, 2006
Dear Straight Talk: My three teenagers and I enjoy your column every week. There is one topic I have not seen covered. It is compulsive hair-pulling, or trichotillomania. I have a child who does this and I am at a loss over it. I have heard that it falls under the category of self-mutilation, which scares me to death! My teen is a conservative, high-achiever who sets high standards for herself and others. What do you know about this disorder and how can it be treated successfully?—Grass Valley, CA
Dear Grass Valley: The “category” of trichotillomania is of debate even among psychologists. Yes, it is similar to self-mutilation in that tension builds before the pulling starts and there is relief and gratification when the hair is pulled out. It is also highly addictive. But I like to focus more on healing than labeling. Words have power and I’ve seen too many youths stuck on their “label”, which puts a crimp in their ability to heal.
If something has happened in your daughter’s life to constantly compel her to prove her worth, you absolutely need to bring it into the light with personal or family counseling. Another potent tool for ending destructive habits is hypnotherapy. A light trance will help her relax and realize that her value is a given, not something that needs to be proven. Also during trance, she will find healthy alternatives to pulling to ease her tension. For more information, visit www.trichotillomania.co/uk.
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August 23rd, 2006
Dear Straight Talk: I’m on summer break from college and I’d like to know why practically every family is so dysfunctional. I’m not talking about really messed-up families with violence, drug or alcohol problems, or nasty divorces. I’m talking about ordinary American families like mine.
My parents are still together, they work and provide for us, but there is little warmth or communication among us. I can’t really talk to my parents about anything. It’s the same for most kids I know. It’s so common, I thought it was normal until I met a friend in college and spent a month with her family this summer. She and her siblings talk to their parents about everything! Drugs, sex, relationships, you name it, they talk about it openly. Everyone acts exactly like who they are in that family. You’re accepted no matter what.
This family isn’t perfect. In high school my friend tried drugs and a boyfriend used her, and of course, stuff comes up in college, but she is able to talk to her parents about things and make good choices. These kids have what I want, a family I can go to and feel like I am accepted and loved and believed in, flaws and all.
How do families get like this? What’s the secret ingredient? Making it happen with my parents might be a lost cause, but at least I want to provide it for my own children.—But how?
Dear How: A loving, accepting, openly communicative family can bloom in a million different varieties as long as the fertilizer of “demonstrative love and affection” is applied liberally. This was the “secret ingredient” discovered through a 40-year study designed to find out what gave humans the capacity to grow up and create warm, loving, satisfying relationships.
With your future children, applying demonstrative love and affection is a process best started at birth, but regardless of when you start—say, for example, you try it out on your parents—with patience, good things will bloom. Another good place to start is with friends and significant others.
Keep reading:
From Geoff, 21: I grew up watching close friends struggle to be open with their parents. In a struggle with his dad, one friend told me, “It’s how it’s always been and we can’t talk about it.” Another friend, when asked if she wanted an accepting, open, loving family of her own, replied, “Of course I want it, everybody does.”
Communication is the key to not just a loving family, but a family of comfort and trust, a family that feels at “home” no matter where you are. I come from such a family, and I, too, am shocked that none of my friends have what I have. Yet everybody “wants it”.
Here’s my thinking:
For parents: My friends think it’s hardest for you to change. You have too much pride, or you’re too stubborn. They say it’s easy for you to shoot them down; you’re so much older, have more experience, more power. My friends say that if you initiated change, they would welcome trying something new with you, whether it’s a bike ride or just running an errand together. But be patient, change can be slow.
For teens: You seem more aware of the family situation (at least you joke about it with friends). You believe it is easier for you to admit there are problems, because compared to our parents’ generation, “we have no shame.” But you also admit you’re the weaker one. So, who is supposed to initiate change if everybody wants it, yet everybody is afraid? If you feel your family of origin is a lost cause, but want to create this with your own kids, you need to start working on it now. Like any skill, open communication takes practice.
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