Straight Talk For Teens By Teens

Age of consent varies from state to state

Dear Straight Talk: I read your column every week and last week a girl had gotten a tattoo against her parents’ wishes. You advised her to tell her parents and accept the consequences. In your columns on the drinks spiked with drugs, you advised kids to anonymously bust the kids who are spiking the drinks. But when it comes to sex, you just tell parents they need to deal with it, even suggesting that we let our teenagers see the family doctor without our knowledge.

I bring this up because I have a 16-year-old step-daughter who I’m pretty sure is having sex with her boyfriend. Her boyfriend is 19 and believe me, if I find out they’re having sex, I will put his butt in jail.—V.S.C., Auburn

Dear V.S.C.: You’re right about me being tough on drugs, alcohol, and underage tattoos. I handle sex a little differently because sex is a natural human process.

Let me explain. Nobody wants their child to “never” have sex. What we hope is that our children grow up and have sex within a mutually loving and committed relationship when they are old enough to handle any of the unintended consequences of sex, of which I’ve identified five: heartache, shame, pregnancy, STDs, and (I’ve just added a new one), lawsuits.

How old is old enough? Clearly, it varies with individuals and circumstances. Legally, it varies, too. Only six U.S. states (California included) have a no-exceptions sexual consent age of 18. For the vast majority of U.S. states the age of consent is 16, and in Hawaii and Canada it is 14.

My advice to teens younger than the legal age of consent has always been to get parental consent before having sex. If it feels unsafe to approach the parents, I advise waiting until legal age.

My advice to parents has always been to educate your children as to the double-edged nature of sex, condition them from a young age to wait, but if you suspect they are having sex by all means talk to them and help them be safe from that dark edge.

Your step-daughter’s consensual relationship is perfectly legal in most states. Should you sue her boyfriend for statutory rape the shame, heartache, and legal setbacks will be highly damaging to all.

If you can’t stomach my advice for parents, my backup advice is to leave well enough alone. Try imagining you’re in Kansas after all.

From Peter, 18: The truth is, if a teenager is having sex it’s not something parents can easily control without becoming tyrants. If it’s happening, then by all means the parent should make sure the teen gets any help needed, and if that means seeing the doctor confidentially, then so be it.

The important thing is that whatever the teenager does he does safely. If it’s sex, then use protection and only do it with someone you trust. If it’s drinking, then don’t drive, and only drink with people you can trust. If drugs… well, drugs aren’t safe at all and should be avoided at all costs.

From Farren, 18: I feel that protected and planned sex is a lot safer than drinking and drugs. Neither I nor anybody else on the teen staff has ever condoned teen sex or promiscuity, but I believe it is a person’s right to choose when he or she is ready to engage in sex.

When it comes down to it, many teens are going to do what they want regardless of their parents. Teens will have sex if they want to—and they will hide it from you if they want to, regardless of how that makes you feel. I don’t feel that tough love, or “[putting] his butt in jail,” is going to make the situation any better.

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Texting and driving lands driver upsidedown

Dear Straight Talk: Your recent column about “Mr. Social” who drives while talking and texting on his cell phone was exactly how I used to be. Then one day I was texting on an on-ramp. It was raining and I was concentrating on the text and didn’t realize how fast I was going. As I hit the freeway I had to brake hard to merge and the back of my car swerved and I spun in three circles right there on the freeway.

Another time my phone rang and it was on the floor. I drove into a ditch while looking for it. At that point I figured I didn’t want my life to end because of a telephone. I still put 5000 text messages on my cell a month, but in the car I draw the line. Texting is out of the question and if I need to make a call, I wait. If I can’t wait, I pull over.

Plus, it’s not just my life—what if I killed somebody else?

I’ve never ridden with a driver who is texting, but if they wouldn’t stop, I’d ask to be let out and I’d call a friend to come get me. If it was an impossible situation, I’d suck it up but I’d never ride with them again. A lot of my friends talk on the phone while driving, and though it’s safer than texting, it’s still not that safe. I think there should be an all-out ban on cell phones while driving.—Rachel, 18, Colfax

Dear Rachel: I hope your message sinks into every teen driver out there, not to mention a few trillion adults. (I wonder where teens learn their behavior…)

Personally, I would like to see hands-free phone laws put into place. Cell phone use has been the leading cause of distracted-driver accidents since 2001 and a recent breakdown by the California Highway Patrol shows that for every 25 such accidents only one involves hands-free use. One hand on the wheel and one hand on the phone just isn’t working.

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Teen who drives and texts thinks he’s invincible

Dear Straight Talk: I don’t see what the big deal is about “Mr. Social” who uses his cell phone while driving. I make calls and text while driving, too. I can be texting in tons of traffic, looking for the fastest lane, and watching out for cars in front of me. Sometimes I slow down when a part of me realizes I’m going too fast because I’m not concentrating on the pedal, but I never drift or anything like that.

I don’t feel I’m in any particular danger. It’s not that I feel invincible, I just don’t think I could get in an accident and I think that belief helps me through. In other words, if you aren’t thinking about how dangerous it is, it’s highly unlikely it will be dangerous.

I think older drivers are a greater detriment behind the wheel as they don’t even know they’re doing something dangerous when they are. At least I know, so I’m super aware of what I’m doing.—19 and an excellent driver

Dear Excellent: Your description of how you’re “not” invincible is priceless! I’ll read it whenever I need a good laugh and good cry at the same time.   

You’re going to love this: Research shows that young cell phone users drive exactly like the elderly. David Strayer, psychology professor at University of Utah, says, “If you put a 20-year-old driver behind the wheel with a cell phone, their reaction times are the same as a 70-year-old driver who is not using a cell phone. It’s like instantly aging a large number of drivers.”

I’m hoping you’ll set the pace on excellent adventures and switch to a hands-free system. Whatever you do, DON’T TEXT AND DRIVE.

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