Archive for May, 2006
May 31st, 2006
Dear Readers: Last week high school graduates on the teen staff commented on a letter from “D.K” who was unsure about whether or not he should go to college this fall and whether he should split with his girlfriend if he does. Here are more comments from the teen staff:
From Farren, 18: When I graduated from high school I didn’t want to go to college either. I wanted to stay at home and relax a while. But I knew my parents would disagree so I reluctantly packed my bags and headed off. I can’t tell you how much I hated it at first—honestly, I wanted to die. I missed my parents, my cat, and my boyfriend. I had no idea what I wanted to do or why I had even chosen this college.
It ended up being the best thing I ever did for myself. Sure, traveling would’ve been nice, but in college you will meet friends that will stick with you the rest of your life. The longer college breaks definitely make a difference. Plus you choose you own schedule and can arrange it so you don’t have class every day. You will be living away from home, you will have freedom. That in itself is worth it. Of course with the freedom, you will have fun.
By fun, I don’t mean using college as an excuse to binge on alcohol and drugs. You see quite a few teenagers with this attitude who eventually become hooked and stop being responsible. Smoking and drinking in the dorms not only can put you on probation with the college, but if you get kicked out of housing you’re still responsible for the housing fees.
I’d advise D.K. to take a break this summer knowing he will have many more breaks during college. Also, I’d tell him not to stress if he doesn’t know what he wants to study. Some people change their major as many as twenty times. About whether to break up with his girlfriend, I had the same four-hour separation with my boyfriend but we decided to stick together. It was hard at first because we were used to spending every minute together. The best I can say to D.K. is this: if you want to stay with your girlfriend, make it work. If you don’t, break it off. Or try it out knowing that if you have to break it off later it’s not the end of the world.
From Peter, 19: I was very keen on taking a break after high school and getting a job, but there was a scholarship I could only receive if I went to college full-time for one semester. So, I enrolled in community college. However, I didn’t just enroll in the minimum 12 units. I thought community college would be easier, so I enrolled in 18 units. That was a very big mistake. Just because it’s community college doesn’t mean it’s easy.
Whether you go to college or not, graduating from high school leads to a lot of unexpected situations. Nothing turns out like you expect. For example, I didn’t think I’d find a good-paying job that I liked and be able to move into my own place. On the other hand, I’m not in Spain right now either!
As an adult I’m more careful about what I do since I’m dealing with more people and situations than in high school. Drugs should be avoided at all costs. Alcohol is a pretty “collegiate” substance, but you have to be safe about it. Relationships are entirely different than in high school. Suddenly, the people around you are more mature—and maybe even more appealing to one’s taste. I personally wouldn’t break up with someone just because of college, but be prepared to accept that it might happen.
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May 24th, 2006
Dear Straight Talk: I’m getting ready to graduate from high school and though I’ve been accepted to college, I’m not sure I want to go right away. I’ve been in school my whole life and I’d like to take a break and just work or travel or do nothing (is that possible??).
Does it make sense to take a year off, or do the longer breaks in college make it more tolerable than high school? Or is college so much more fun than high school that I’m not going to mind it as much?
Also, my college is out of town. What’s it going to be like to not see any of my friends? Do I split up with my girlfriend? We’ll be about four hours apart.—D.K.
Dear D.K.: The teen staff says it better than I could. I will print more responses next week.
From Geoff, 21: My college is about four hours from home, too, and I didn’t know a single person upon arriving. What was it like? Amazing. Being “home” is a great feeling, don’t get me wrong, but coming to a completely new environment as a freshman, adapting, and making new friends was an experience I’d never trade. In a sense you’re free from the past; you’re allowed to find out what you want to become without any prejudices.
Regarding taking a break, thinking back, I’m glad I didn’t put off what I’ve found in college: friendship, motivation, inspiration, self-respect, and a general outlook on life that is fundamentally different from before I came. Simply, life is better.
College breaks do last longer. Winter break is about a full month; summer break is about three full months. For me, college is much more fun than high school and I think it’s because people want to be there. There is camaraderie among the students and they all seem to appreciate that each one is doing his or her best.
As for your girlfriend, it will be hard if at least one of you is not entirely dedicated to making it work. That’s not saying one of you is a bad person if you can’t do it, but once you find yourself in an entirely new world with new people and new experiences, it’s often hard to include your significant other if he or she is still in that old world. During my first month in the dorms, just on my floor (of 30 people), there were six girls who were dumped by their long-distance boyfriends; some took it harder than others but they all survived.
From Brittney, 18: Graduating high school was so weird for me. It was like: Now what do I do? I had no plans to go to college so I continued working and living at home. I was happy to take a break and I was able to work, travel, and just sort of relax. I never thought I would want to go to college, but now, being out of school for a year I really miss learning and would like to pursue it.
From Lennon, 19: Most kids think if they take a year off they can travel or relax, but, in fact, most parents won’t fund this. For me, “taking the year off” means I get up every morning at six, work all day, 40 to 60 hours per week, come home, and by the time I shower and eat there’s three hours left before bedtime. There are no breaks, you can’t “skip class”, you can’t choose your schedule and the schedule doesn’t change. You do the same thing day in and day out. It’s like you’re slowly dying. From what I see, going to college is not only easier, it’s more stimulating.
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May 17th, 2006
Dear Straight Talk: I have a problem with one of my friends. “Celina” is always making rude comments to me about some kids at our school who are mentally handicapped. Sometimes she says things that are downright mean. Recently she made a comment about how a mentally handicapped girl was “freaky”. I have stuck up for these kids several times, but whenever I do, Celina says, “I’m entitled to my opinion. You shouldn’t get mad at me for what I think.”
I don’t know how to react to this. I know it’s wrong for Celina to make fun of these kids, but whenever she defends herself I can’t think of any way to tell her she’s wrong. Could you give me some advice as to what to say to her?—Tongue-tied
From Farren, 18: I’m glad somebody wrote about this, because I hear these rude comments all the time. It sounds like Celina is a bit on the ignorant side. It also sounds like you’ve tried your best to get her to realize that what she is saying is completely disrespectful. I don’t want to discourage you, but she may be stuck in her ways.
While she may feel there is no reason for you to be mad at her, I can see why you are. Bullying somebody for things they cannot control is rude and nasty. It’s sad to think that people cannot look past a handicap. You might try making your argument more personal, such as saying, “If you had a family member that was mentally handicapped you might feel differently.”
If nothing works, you may have to agree to disagree. If it was me, I would insist she stop making disrespectful comments around me or it could cause problems in our friendship.
From Geoff, 20: I had a similar problem with my first roommate. When I confronted him about using derogatory language toward gays, he said it was his right, his freedom of speech. This right to one’s own opinion is a great thing, but this freedom comes with a cost. In this case, the cost of Celina’s freedom of speech is a tax on your own morals and you have every right to be mad at her for that tax.
My roommate was inflexible and as I could not persuade him to think or act differently I ended up moving out.
Dear Tongue-tied: Geoff and Farren offer a solid approach to your dilemma. Standing up for what you think is right—even if it means standing alone—is an important part of becoming a leader. There is another approach that leaders use and if your friendship with Celina is important, I encourage you to try it. The concept is simple. Just as you have compassion for the mentally handicapped, stretch yourself to extend that compassion to Celina.
Celina’s attitude most likely stems from fear. People tend to judge what they fear most within themselves. Seeing the mentally handicapped probably triggers an unconscious fear that she herself is inadequate or unlovable at some level. The next time Celina makes a rude comment, ask her with genuine concern, “Do those kids frighten you?” As she becomes flustered, denying it, etc., stay with her and say, “At some level, they upset you. What’s so scary for you? You don’t think you’re like that do you?”
Our society conditions us to shut things down that we don’t agree with. Instead of shutting Celina down, show a sincere interest in her feelings and listen to her without judgment (which you can do without adopting her morals). This has the potential, more than any other approach, to disarm the situation and lead to positive change. Please let us know how it turns out.
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