Archive for February, 2006
February 22nd, 2006
Dear Straight Talk: I read your column out loud to my eighth grade son each week and it’s a great way to discuss sensitive issues. Recently you covered groping, where middle school boys get away with groping girls in halls and classrooms. I must say, I was shocked! I told my son if he engaged in behavior like this I would be absolutely appalled.
I’m writing because you did not put the blame on those boys. You handed the responsibility to the girls even though they were the victims. I don’t care how developed the girl, how low-cut the blouse, how much the girl is flirting, or whether or not she says “no”, boys need to be taught that groping is wrong under any circumstances.—Appalled
Dear Appalled: You’re right. I did the boys no favor. I got so involved empowering the girls to not be victims (i.e., to notice how they are dressing, notice their body language, defend themselves by saying “no”, or going to a higher authority), that I failed to speak to the boys. Boys have no more right to grope than they do to commit date rape, another crime that gets scant attention. Our “boys will be boys” mentality is very destructive—and I will say, at this point in history, it is our boys who are the biggest victims of this mentality.
Boys today are in big trouble. Of all adolescent suicides, 86% are committed by boys. As those boys grow to be men, the trend continues. In 2001, of Americans of all ages who committed suicide, 81% were male. Suicide experts argue that the statistics are misleading because just as many females attempt suicide but their methods are not as effective (they tend to use pills and knives as opposed to guns and rope). However, I find it significant that it is our boys and men who overwhelmingly complete the job. The girls are crying for help—and getting it. The boys are beyond crying
This may be a stretch from where we started (groping in middle school), but I see a thread. How can we protect our sons from falling victim to the idea that it’s okay to impose your will on someone you perceive as weaker, and then laugh about that person afterward? (This was the description of the groping.) Psychologically, you have to feel weak and powerless yourself to engage in such behavior.
I would like us to start paying more attention to our boys. Female oppression is blatant and this transparency led to the women’s movement some 60 years ago—with incredible results. But oppression is an interlocking system between parties playing roles of “perpetrator” and “victim”. These opposite roles cloud that fact that the whole system is oppressive. In our zeal to label women as victims, we have ignored the fact that men, too, are victims of a system that conditions them to act as perpetrators.
Thank you for writing and for reading the columns to your son. Our children are listening, looking to us for guidance. Our boys need it more than ever.
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February 22nd, 2006
Dear Straight Talk: I have a solution to the fashion wars raging in the last few columns. For clothes too plunging in the neckline or too short at the waist, simply layer with a stylish undergarment. This is the popular way to dress now anyway. Find a pretty camisole long enough to cover the tummy and high enough to prevent peeping toms. For items too tight or too short, pass those on to charity.—T. L.
Dear T.L.: What a simple, brilliant solution! You’re right, bare midriffs are out and the layered look is in. Thank you so much for writing. You’ve brought salve to the battle-weary.
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February 15th, 2006
Dear Straight Talk: I’m 15 and don’t believe I can make it. When I was 13 my boyfriend killed himself and I went to a mental hospital for attempted suicide. I’m considered a runaway in my town half the time, I’ve had thoughts of killing people, and I hurt myself. Now the love of my life just dumped me for my best friend. He was the only thing holding me up.
I’ve run from my problems so much my life is practically over. I don’t interact with my family because they don’t pay attention to me. All I ever do is sleep. Right now I’m supposed to be doing school work but I needed to write you. I feel a little better letting some of it out. Thanks.—K. South Carolina
Dear K: I believe you can make it. I say that because you reached out with this letter. Start by visualizing yourself when you were a baby. Find a picture of yourself to help you remember. I want you to look at this small innocent child and see that she is still within you. I want you to love her because she is starving for love. I want you to see that nobody else can bring to this planet what this child (you!) came here to bring.
Start with that small seed of love for your inner self. It will give you the strength to get the help you need. If you don’t know where to turn, start with the school counselor and ask to see a professional who has spiritual values. Please don’t worry about money; the right person will not turn you away.
You are not alone:
From Brittney, 17: When I was in public high school I would come home every day and go to my room and cry or sleep. I was miserable and felt that no one could understand me. When I was most upset I would write down everything I felt, just to get it out. I still do this. You might try it—or try painting, drawing, throwing a ball at a wall over and over. Do what you have to do to get the feelings out, but do it in a positive way. Nothing in this world is worth hurting yourself over. No matter what, you can get through this.
From Farren, 18: It sounds like you have a severe case of depression. I once fell into a depression. I slept a lot, and didn’t want to see my friends. I felt embarrassed that I was sad and didn’t want to go anywhere. At first I just mentioned to my mom that I was feeling different, that I was sad, but she didn’t get it. It’s not others’ job to read our feelings. For my mom, it took a serious face-to-face conversation. I had to tell her exactly how I was feeling and that I wanted to see a doctor. Then she knew. I went to see a doctor and was diagnosed right away. It’s a lot, finding someone you trust, asking for help, but you will be so glad once you do it.
From Rose, 18: It sounds like you are a strong individual. As someone who has tried to commit suicide, I say don’t give up because the world really is beautiful. You won’t always be in such a sad, scary place. Don’t let the sadness take over because you are worth more than anything. Just keep on, things WILL get better. You’ve gone way too far to give up now. I know it hurts but you are not alone. I wish you lots of love and I care about you, as do the people who make this newspaper column.
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