Archive for January, 2006
January 25th, 2006
Dear Straight Talk: Hey, go easy on the girls who get groped in public. The letter from “Undisclosed guy” who found it disgusting that his female classmates put up with being groped takes me back to my middle school days. I was a little more, er, developed, than other girls and would get groped EXACTLY like that on a daily basis! It was relentless—I remember hiding out in the bathroom, waiting for the group of guys who did this (often right in the hallway next to the school office) to go away. I told them to stop, but they wouldn’t—how’s a seventh-grader supposed to stand up to ninth-graders? I remember thinking that it must be normal behavior and, after awhile, let it continue. I so wish I knew then what I know now!
Keep up the good work. Your column is definitely a must-read.—Wiser in my twenties
From Rachel, 18: I’ve been through this, too, and I understand about not saying anything. You feel embarrassed and you hope if you say nothing it will go away. In middle school, especially, it’s all about wanting to be part of the cool group, so you keep your mouth shut.
In my situation, also in seventh grade, the groping got progressively worse. Finally, it got so bad that I’d had enough and said, “Stop it! Leave me alone!” When that didn’t work, I got the school counselor involved. The boys were brought in and warned that if it happened again they would be suspended. That stopped it, but it definitely affected my popularity because I was considered a tattletale. However, I’d rather be un-cool than harassed.
Dear Wiser: Interesting, isn’t it? “Undisclosed boy” perceived that girls, by not saying “no”, were encouraging the groping. Your and Rachel’s experience show that speaking up isn’t easy—and it doesn’t necessarily work—and when you seek out adult help, you risk your popularity.
From what I’m learning, groping is a big problem in middle school. For those girls who are bearing this in silence, I hope you are helped by these letters. Kids who consider you “un-cool” for defending yourself are not the kind of friends you want. There are plenty of others like “Undisclosed boy” who will find you even more attractive if you defend yourself.
When we don’t stand up to those who do us wrong, we are silently encouraging them. By speaking up and getting help, not only will you protect yourself from those who treat you as an object, you will earn new respect from those who value you as a person.
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January 25th, 2006
Dear Straight Talk: Recently a friend from school gave me some really cute clothes she grew out of. The trouble is my mother says I can’t wear any of them because they are too “revealing”. But they are the same as everyone wears! Finally I have an opportunity to fit in. How can I get her to let me wear these clothes? I’ve cried myself sick over this.—Eighth grader
Dear Eighth grader: As I’ve said before, to make peace in the family fashion wars, this is my formula: if the event is teen-centered, meaning school, a game, or you’re out with friends, you dress to your specifications. When you’re at home or the event is adult-centered (a family outing, company picnic, dinner with family friends), you dress to your parents’ specifications. I suggest going through the new clothes and removing the biggest offenders if you want this to fly. While you’re lucky to have a parent who cares, I hope she will see that fitting in is important for teens and having some fashion freedom is part of growing up.
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January 18th, 2006
Dear Straight Talk: Over the holidays I was home from college and my old boyfriend called to see if I would come over and say hello to him and his parents. My fiancée was okay with it, so I paid a 30-minute visit one afternoon. When my father found out he came unglued. What’s the big deal about visiting an ex? I have no intention of becoming re-involved with this guy but my dad thinks it’s naïve to assume that intentions aren’t there at some level, if not from me then from him. What do you think?—Exasperated in Redding
Dear Exasperated: If your ex is not in another relationship, you can pretty much bet he has hopes—which may or may not lead to intentions. As long as you are aware that coals are probably still glowing and you keep the contact formal and minimal and public (which you did), his hopes should die out.
Young people today are more able than their parents to retain honorable ties to past relationships but your dad’s point should be well taken that it is naïve to think visiting an ex is a walk in the park.
In some Asian cultures, a betrothed woman will not even look another man in the eye. If she needs to talk to him she keeps her eyes moving around his face, not allowing eye contact. Why? Because in the right conditions something as simple as eye contact can start a small fire. With an ex, it’s five hundred times as likely. That’s what your father is trying to say.
The teens are more on your track of thinking:
From Peter, 18: When you get right down to it, ask any guy and they will say that all guys (excepting themselves, of course) are sleazebags. Throw in the fact that the guy doing the saying is your dad, and you end up with a heightened sense of protectiveness.
Try relaxing your dad with humor. Tell him you’ve decided to call off the wedding, then hastily add, “Don’t worry—I’ve found someone else. You remember so-and-so (insert name of ex)?” Quickly follow with, “Daaad! I’m kidding!”
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