Straight Talk For Teens By Teens

Cutter needs help not banishment

Dear Straight Talk: According to my daughter, her friend, “Christine”, cuts herself. Recently my daughter spoke about wanting to know how that feels for Christine when she cuts herself. I don’t want to come between this friendship, but I am tempted to intervene for the sake of my daughter. We moved here just a year ago and I don’t want her under this influence. What should I do?—Meadow Vista

Dear Meadow Vista: Move back to the city?

Your instinct to protect your daughter is right on. But with teens, the “how” of it can be tricky, especially when friends are involved. You don’t want to push your daughter into the very nightmare you’re trying to avoid.

First of all, kids need to hear fact-of-life statements such as, “I never want you to drink, I never want you to smoke, etc.” that get repeated every time circumstance brings the subject up. Now we can add, “I never want you to cut or hurt your body,” to the list of behaviors for which we have zero tolerance. Notice the statement is not a command, but a communication of what you want for your child. There’s a big psychological difference. It’s important to avoid an “or else” attitude—which comes across as a challenge. Instead, use a firm, loving resolve that says, “It’s unthinkable because you’re so valuable to me.”

Tell your daughter straight up, “I don’t want you to ever cut yourself.” Then, instead of trying to separate the friends, I suggest bringing Christine closer. Go to Christine’s parents. Consider paying for counseling, perhaps the girls attending the first session together. If your daughter believes you genuinely care about her friend, she will align herself with helping Christine rather than “feeling her pain” literally.

Here’s more from the front lines:

From Brittney, 16: I have a friend who was cutting herself but kept it a secret even though we were good friends. I think it’s very positive that Christine has told your daughter and that your daughter has told you. It’s a cry for help from both of them. A lot of kids don’t like to admit it, but it’s true. Christine is crying for help to your daughter and your daughter is crying for you to help Christine.