Archive for April, 2005
April 20th, 2005
Dear Straight Talk: I’m 19 and my sister, “Rachel”, is 21. She’s getting married to “Jeremy” and they want me in their wedding. The problem is I’m still feeling a little heartbroken because before Rachel and Jeremy were an item, Jeremy was my boyfriend. He broke up with me after he met my sister when she moved back from college. It’s always been a little uncomfortable, but I’ve brushed it off and been a good sport. Isn’t it a little much that they want to do a fancy wedding with me in it?—Brokenhearted Bridesmaid
Dear Brokenhearted: Did it ever occur to you that they want you in the wedding because they like you?
I have no idea how clumsy the switch to your sister was, but since you all seem to be talking, I assume it was executed with some degree of grace.
Or maybe not—in which case you’re a saint.
I’m going to guess you’re a bit of saint, regardless, and my advice is to keep being one. See if you can invite a good friend to the wedding for support. And one good last cry won’t hurt either. Then hold you head high and be a radiant bridesmaid. Your knight will come in time.
P.S. Once the wedding is over, may I suggest checking under the hood to see where sainthood ends and doormat begins? Because saints sure aren’t doormats, if you’ve done any checking.
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April 13th, 2005
Dear Straight Talk: How do you get over somebody? I’m 17 and I met a fantastic guy last year who was summering here. He saw me he like nobody else has ever done and I completely fell for him. I’m still not over him and would like to move on since he’s obviously not going to be in my future. How do you “unhook” yourself from someone? He lives in my mind all the time.—K.L.
Dear K.L.: Tell him to get out. Then throw all his belongings on the sidewalk.
I know. You wish it was that easy. This is one of those mental dead-ends we keep driving down whether we want to or not. There are some tricks to de-program yourself.
One way is to create a new mental picture of yourself. Shut your eyes and visualize the “new you”, the you that is “unhooked” and feeling great. See yourself in a situation where these great feelings radiate all through your body. You should be smiling at this point. Keep this picture handy and whenever the old feelings come up, switch your focus to this new picture. It will set your mind traveling in a new direction.
One more thing: You said, “He saw me like nobody else has ever done…” You’ve identified the gift of the relationship and you don’t want to throw this out with the bathwater. It’s this gift that makes you want to keep his memory alive. Take the time to “see” others as you were seen. What you give comes back.
If all else fails, change your hair style. This is the chicken-soup remedy sworn over the centuries. Why does it work? It helps change that picture of yourself.
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April 13th, 2005
Dear Straight Talk: My best friend is pregnant and I’m the only one who knows about it. She wants to get an abortion and I’m against abortion. It’s really hurting our relationship. How can I be her friend when I’m against what she wants to do?—Anonymous
Dear Anonymous: Where’s my ten-foot pole?
You don’t give much information such as your friend’s age, the circumstances of the pregnancy, and why her parents are not being consulted. Obviously, your friend is scared or she wouldn’t be isolating herself. She could be afraid of her parents, of the man who got her pregnant, of the boyfriend who didn’t get her pregnant. The fear of bringing a child into the world alone and unprepared is enormous in itself.
If she has told nobody but you, suffice it to say she needs you. I don’t know how she handles stress but since you’re interested in morals, it probably would not be a very nice thing to leave her right now.
For the time being, let’s assume she’s not thinking rationally. Maybe she is, but it’s arguable under the circumstances. In other words, just because she says she wants an abortion doesn’t mean that’s what she’ll eventually choose. You’ve been clear with your views so it’s time to put them away and open yourself to helping her unconditionally. It’s not your decision, after all, and by expressing confidence in her intelligence you will give her the space she needs to make a sound plan.
Unless her parents have a history of abuse, there is an area where I want you to do some convincing. Encourage her to tell at least one of her parents. Moms and Dads are, by design, the best place to go for help. Offer to be with her when she tells them. Also, go with her to the county Health Department for pregnancy counseling.
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