April 27th, 2005
Dear Straight Talk: I’m a seventh grade boy and though I’m smaller than a lot of girls in my class, I am considered tough and a lot of girls think it’s okay to hit me. My complaint is that girls don’t get in trouble for hitting boys, but boys get in trouble for hitting girls.
I’ve had girls punch me or kick me and when I say something to the teachers, they brush it off. I’ve even had teachers make fun of me. Sure, I could take out the girl, but I don’t. But do they think it doesn’t hurt when they hit me? Do they think it’s okay for girls to hit me just because I’m a guy? If I did to a single girl what at least five girls have done to me, I would be expelled on the spot. What can be done about this?—Fed up with the unfairness
You found a kindred spirit on the teen staff:
Dear Fed up: I know exactly what you’re talking about. It’s annoying to have half the population allowed to hit you. Since fifth grade, I have been hit by girls at least ten times. Usually it’s pretty harmless, but twice this year I was kicked hard in the shins by “Big Bruise” (which refers to how my shin looked, not her), and she didn’t get in trouble at all. Had I done that to her, I would have been suspended. Nobody should be allowed to hit and consequences should be equal.—Kyle, 14
Dear Fed up: Yes, it’s considered very bad form for boys to hit girls—and always will be, because as you’ve noted, boys are generally stronger and more aggressive than girls.
But nobody should be hitting anybody. And bravo to both of you for not hitting back. Consequences for hitting should be equal regardless of gender.
Since you’re not getting help from the teacher, do what the pros do. When a professional has a grievance—in your case, a male professional—he documents it. This is the modern version of “taking it like a man.” Which means, you don’t have to take it, you just have to do the right paper-work.
Each time a girl strikes you, write down the date, time, names, and exactly what happened. If there are witnesses, have them write an account, too, or at least sign and date yours. When you report the incident to the teacher, document his or her response. If the incident is brushed off, take this approach up the chain of command starting with the principal, then the school board, then the superintendent’s office.
You’ll want to limit yourself to the “harmful” variety of hitting—as opposed to the playful. You don’t want to put school playgrounds in the same quandary as the professional world, where abuses of harassment suits keep everyone on eggshells.
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April 27th, 2005
Dear Straight Talk: I disagree with your advice to tell your parents if you want to have sex. My girlfriend is 15 and I’m 17. We are sexually active and now she wants to tell her parents. I think she’s crazy. Her dad is not the rational type and I don’t know what he might do. I feel like breaking up with her over it.—Talk about “unsafe” sex
Dear Unsafe sex: Then do it. If you aren’t able to face her dad, how are you going to face, for example, an accidental pregnancy? You’re obviously not interested in a committed relationship with this girl. The sooner she’s free of you, the better.
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April 20th, 2005
Dear Straight Talk: According to my daughter, her friend, “Christine”, cuts herself. Recently my daughter spoke about wanting to know how that feels for Christine when she cuts herself. I don’t want to come between this friendship, but I am tempted to intervene for the sake of my daughter. We moved here just a year ago and I don’t want her under this influence. What should I do?—Meadow Vista
Dear Meadow Vista: Move back to the city?
Your instinct to protect your daughter is right on. But with teens, the “how” of it can be tricky, especially when friends are involved. You don’t want to push your daughter into the very nightmare you’re trying to avoid.
First of all, kids need to hear fact-of-life statements such as, “I never want you to drink, I never want you to smoke, etc.” that get repeated every time circumstance brings the subject up. Now we can add, “I never want you to cut or hurt your body,” to the list of behaviors for which we have zero tolerance. Notice the statement is not a command, but a communication of what you want for your child. There’s a big psychological difference. It’s important to avoid an “or else” attitude—which comes across as a challenge. Instead, use a firm, loving resolve that says, “It’s unthinkable because you’re so valuable to me.”
Tell your daughter straight up, “I don’t want you to ever cut yourself.” Then, instead of trying to separate the friends, I suggest bringing Christine closer. Go to Christine’s parents. Consider paying for counseling, perhaps the girls attending the first session together. If your daughter believes you genuinely care about her friend, she will align herself with helping Christine rather than “feeling her pain” literally.
Here’s more from the front lines:
From Brittney, 16: I have a friend who was cutting herself but kept it a secret even though we were good friends. I think it’s very positive that Christine has told your daughter and that your daughter has told you. It’s a cry for help from both of them. A lot of kids don’t like to admit it, but it’s true. Christine is crying for help to your daughter and your daughter is crying for you to help Christine.
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