February 16th, 2005
Dear Straight Talk: My daughter came to me when she wanted to become sexually active with her boyfriend. Though I would prefer she waited for marriage, I can’t tell you how glad I am that she was not afraid to come to me.
From a young age, I stressed to my children the need to trust their instincts, that there would be situations where they could only trust themselves to know what is best. As they got older, and their bodies were changing, I told them that knowing when the time was right for them to become sexual would ultimately be their decision.
I know kids will experiment and that they have bodies and hormones and I don’t want my children paying a lifetime of dues for a youthful mistake. So, we talked, I gave them books, I told them that waiting was best, but I left the decision with them and told them I’d be there for them.—Thankful parent
Dear Thankful parent: Thank you for sharing your story.
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February 2nd, 2005
Dear Straight Talk: Responding to last week’s column, I would like to point out that your advice to be “media-free” is preferable to mindless media addiction, but a better alternative is to be “media savvy”. The point is not just to tell our kids not to watch the media (though I remain tempted by the “Kill your Television” bumperstickers), but to work with them to be discriminating. Investigate what shows are worth watching, don’t turn on the TV without intent to watch a specific show, and never channel surf. Avoid giving kids a TV in their bedroom. And above all, set a good example! How can kids ever tell the good from the bad when Mom is watching Extreme Makeover and Dad rushes home to watch SI’s Swimsuit Models? Demonstrate to them the joy of participating in a sport you love (their sport may be different) instead of spending evenings and weekends sitting on the couch watching the antics of overpaid egotists.—Media savvy
Dear Straight Talk: Regarding your advice to be “media-free” I would argue that there are some great programs out there. I would welcome my kids watching them as much as I shudder when I see them watching MTV or The Apprentice. PBS science and nature shows, Hallmark or PBS dramatic specials, “American Dreams”, “60 minutes”, and “Frontlines” all are superb.—Some good TV
Dear Media savvy and Some good TV: Thanks for the list and the practical advice. I applaud anyone who can “manage” the electronic entertainment industry, especially with young people in the house.
For the last 50 years—encompassing two full generations—commercial television has been an intimate family member. Most family members pay more attention to it than to each other. The average American child spends 3 hours a day watching television and 5.4 minutes a day talking with his or her parents.
I maintain that the spell we are under is so deep and soupy that most who argue in favor of television or of “managing” it, have no experience of life without it and thus are not able to do a rational comparison of life “with” versus “without”. I think because of the extremely seductive nature of the medium and the hectic pace of life for most adults, management sounds better on paper than it actually plays out in reality. Here’s input from a teen who did experience life “media-free”:
From Lennon, 18: Until I was 16, my home life was free of electronic media. We had newspapers, magazines, books and music, but there was no TV, no videos, no radio. I wasn’t allowed to use the computer, and only rarely went to the movies. I watched a few things at friends’ houses, but even that was heavily monitored. Now, for the last two years of high school, I have unlimited access to media of all types and can do anything I want. Now everything I think about and relate to is from movies, games and popular music, whereas before I related everything to my own thoughts and experiences. I used to have all kinds of amazing thoughts. I get very bored now, and before I didn’t seem to get bored easily, or if I did, I didn’t feel so antsy. I also used to go to bed earlier, eat more regularly, and go outside more.
It’s like when Europeans came to the New World and introduced liquor. It wiped out the lifestyle. When you’re raised media-free and then you become addicted to it, you see the drawbacks.
The idea of managing the media is like saying cigarettes are here to stay so instead of three packs a day, I’ll smoke one. It’s so addicting people aren’t able to say ‘no.’ It’s like dieting. It never really works. To have results the whole lifestyle has to change. It’s definitely a type of drug. It makes people go into a state of mind that is not their normal state. How can that not be a drug? It’s something about the way your eyes don’t have to focus, the high-speed flashing, the glowing light of the screen. You can’t take your eyes off it. You just passively watch someone else’s story. You don’t have to think. There’s nothing to figure.
I’m basically unable to manage it. I mean, I do a little, but it’s hard when it’s right there. I think it is definitely easier to just eliminate it. From my experience, if it wasn’t there, we’d be better off.
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