January 26th, 2005
Dear Straight Talk: I’m writing in response to Farren and Lennon who said that this generation of teens are overly dramatic and constantly need attention. It’s true. It seems like to fit in everyone’s got to have a “story” or a “fabricated personality” so they can be “interesting”. You don’t find too many people that don’t have some kind of story to set them apart. It’s almost like you have to invent a personality because there is this fear that if you aren’t more interesting and fascinating than the next person there will be no attention coming your way. It’s like we are starving for something.
Even the so-called losers are, in their own way, trying to be cool, becoming outcasts or rebellious so they can stand out. Whether you do it by fitting in or rebelling, it’s all for the same goal of getting noticed. It’s like we’re fighting a war to get noticed, struggling against other people to stand out more. It’s exhausting! Even though I see what’s going on, I’m not always strong enough to go against the grain and I find myself doing the “drama thing” some of the time, too, because without it you’re just going to be another flower on the wallpaper. I don’t know what the alternative is, but the current situation isn’t healthy. It’s frustrating because I’m complaining about my generation, yet I am part of the problem, too. We all see it but we keep doing it. It’s aggravating to see something that needs fixing but you can’t fix it.—Ashley, 15
Dear Ashley: Each generation is a product of its surroundings. I will say again that considering what this generation has to deal with compared to other generations, you are doing as well as anyone could. There is nothing inherently wrong with you. In fact, this generation has a degree of inner awareness and psychological sensitivity that is unsurpassed for a group of teenagers.
I believe the need for attention you describe is due mainly to the influence of the entertainment industry. Since television and movies began, the industry has fixated on depicting juveniles as miniature adults, setting them in extraordinary situations and giving them the looks, clothing, cleverness, humor, courage and confidence of the most brilliant adults. Of course, they’re not real, but are only acting the scripts that creative adults in the entertainment industry have written for them. But you have grown up with these fabricated TV and movie youths as your role models, you have watched and been fascinated by them your whole life and it’s only natural that you, as a generation, would think this how young people are supposed to be. It’s called programming. Your generation has been programmed to think this is how kids are. And if you’re not that way, you think something’s wrong with you. No wonder it’s exhausting. Earlier generations had no such expectations for themselves. Children and teens were not expected to be extraordinary and fascinating. Confidence and courage and witty phrases came with age and life experience.
Unfortunately, adults are susceptible to programming, too, and it seems that adults now also consider it the norm for kids act this way. It’s like we all drank from an enchanted cup and nobody can even remember that we’ve been put under a spell.
It’s this deep spell that makes it hard for you to change anything. The fact that you even see the problem is remarkable. And from my interviews with teens, it’s clear that many of you see it. Keep your eye on it, stay aware, wean yourself off the media as much as possible—and perhaps resolve to do so for the next generation. You’ll be parents yourself before too long and this could be your contribution to bring us out of the spell by raising the next generation of children media-free. Can you imagine? I wonder if anybody can.
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January 19th, 2005
Dear Straight Talk: I’m 16 and I’m totally in love with my boyfriend “Scott”. I’m a junior and he’s a senior and I’ve been reading the last few columns on promiscuity. I’m a virgin and Scott really wants to have sex. We are totally in love and have talked about getting married. I don’t see what’s wrong with it in my case. I mean, I plan to be with him forever.—In love for good
Dear In love: The only way I can advise teenagers to have sex is to do it with the consent and backing of their parents. Sex combined with love is an indescribably blessed thing, arguably the most creative, ecstatic, sacred experience that one human can share with another. But like any potent force, handling the bright light requires awesome responsibility because all forces have their shadow and can turn on you, causing pain and suffering. As invincible as you may feel, in today’s world teens are not prepared to handle, alone, this potent force. There are too many things that can go wrong that can affect you for the rest of your life, heartbreak being the least of these things and STDs and pregnancy standing there as very real, very serious possibilities. That is why you need the backing of your parents who can guide you and be there for you if you need help.
As you know, babies can get made even while using the strictest protection. And diseases can be passed. If you are too embarrassed or shy to go to your parents and get their permission then you are not mature enough to be having sex. And if you think you are mature enough to go to them, but you don’t because you believe they would react by “disowning” or “punishing” you, there, too, I cannot support you in having sex because such parents may not be there for you in the event of a mishap.
Here’s more:
From Farren, 17: Some of my friends talk to their parents about sex and get help with birth control and protection but most girls are too embarrassed. A lot of girls are also too embarrassed to ask their boyfriend to use protection. If I had one thing to say to teens it would be: Be more careful! Don’t just have sex because it seems like “everybody’s” doing it. If you are thinking about having sex, go outside your crowd and get advice from an adult who cares about you. Make sure you are using protection–don’t ever be embarrassed and passive about that. If a mistake happens, make sure there is support for you and the baby. It does matter if you get AIDS or are pregnant!
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January 19th, 2005
Dear Straight Talk: It seems like a lot of my friends in high school always want to use my hairbrush. I don’t really like lending it out but I don’t want to be rude so I always let everybody use it. How can I keep my brush private without appearing like a heel or a hygiene freak, which I am?—Secret hygiene freak
Dear Hygiene Freak: This is a great opportunity to develop some personal empowerment skills. Are you worried that you will lose these friends if you don’t loan your brush to them? Young people do a lot of things to fit in and doing anything when you really don’t want to is succumbing to peer pressure. Now, if loaning your hairbrush is the worst form of peer pressure you succumb to you are doing great, but nonetheless, it’s a good place to practice standing up for yourself. Since you’ve already been loaning it out, the next time you brush your hair and they put their hands out to use it, you might say, “Guys, I’ve got a confession to make. I’m a secret hygiene freak and I can’t loan my brush out anymore.” Firmly put your brush away and have a pack of gum ready and offer them each a stick saying, “It’s got nothing to do with you. It’s just the way I am.” If you say it warmly yet firmly, pretending to mock yourself—rather than knocking them—they will know that you still like them and want to be part of the group. They will even secretly admire you for having the courage to speak your truth.
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